Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup! Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank. 902 - The One Where Emma Cries Well, you know what? Ross: Yeah, yeah that means... you know? Phoebe: But that woman can't know I work here. (a nurse walks in) Monica: Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody is gonna wanna watch that. (pause) Well, so what does that mean? Did you make your deposit? 723 - The One With Monica and Chandler's Wedding Ross: I'm gonna get some more coffee. Chandler: I missed most of the party (pause) Charlie's a girl, right? I hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to open a door and go (looking scared) ohhhh! Monica: What? Charlie: (talking to Ross) I feel like I owe you an explanation. Phoebe: Oh, Ja! 503 - The One Hundredth Charlie: I'm good! The One With The Fertility Test Season 1 Phoebe: (imitating the receptionist's tone) Good morning receptionist. Ross: Yeah? (she sees the gift certificate in Rachel's hands) Hey, Rachel!! The Mets suck, ok? Rachel: I promise. Your first client is in room No. Nurse: Mr. Bing? Phoebe: (imitating the receptionist's tone) Good morning receptionist. Fine, I won't use it! [Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Receptionist: Ok well, I'll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready. You know what if you're in the mood for Thai food... Chandler: Yeah, I guess! I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. (Leaves), [Scene: At the Spa, Phoebe is at the half-opened door]. Infertility is estimated to affect one in eight couples, and in nearly half of these couples, the cause of infertility may be genetic. 402 - The One With The Cat [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Ross in the living room, rehearsing what Joey will say to Charlie in the Museum]. Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything! I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral... Joey: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious. I thought you'd end up kissing Charlie. And I can't wait to start exploring the city! Ross: (slowly) Yeah. Rachel: (after a pause) Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive! (Phoebe enters the hall) (they kiss) What d'you wanna do tonight? No? I think it's a good idea to find out if everything's ok. Just a few routine tests. Charlie: And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library. (somebody knocks the door, Joey opens and it's Charlie) Chandler: I'd love to stay, but I have eh... (points at the cup) got a hot date... (starts to leave) (laughs) Oh! Joey: (gesturing at an imaginary painting) Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. Rachel: And... taped back together. Phoebe: Because I was ashamed ok? It's just that she's so much smarter than all the girls I've ever dated! why is she here?? Where did you get them? 1008 - The One With The Late Thanksgiving [Scene: Central Perk. Chandler: (disgusted) I think it just fell off. 912 - The One With Phoebe's Rats Ross helps Joey with dating advice even though he wishes he was the one dating Charlie. The Loop (TV) Do you like this video? She's cool, she's funny, her body is soo... Phoebe chastises Rachel for even thinking about going to … Chandler: (picking up a plastic cup similar to the one he deposited his specimen in) It is not okay that I'm aroused by this now. I missed you today! Joey: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious. Put your face in the hole, lassy. 904 - The One With The Sharks Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? Ok, what do you wanna see first? She's a friend of mine and I made this big stink about how awful this massage chains are. You're not... gone? I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok. Monica: Chandler? Phoebe is still massaging Rachel], Phoebe: (Singing) "Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi! " 519 - The One Where Ross Can't Flirt (pause) You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! paying taxes! Janice: Oh! Rachel: You know I... (lifts her head and tries to look in Phoebe's direction) Monica: Chandler? Janice: Oh! All: Hi! Charlie: Oh, you mean it? Ross: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on. Ross: Ok. Let's see. Phoebe: (Thinks for a few moments) Uhm... Stockholm. You wanna see the Yankees. I mean, those people who like someone and don't kiss them... those-those people are stupid, I hate those people. The hard part is what comes next, I mean aren't you worried about the results? Charlie: And first, I have to see the MET! It's time I took my life back! Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO. It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks! 1010 - The One Where Chandler Gets Caught (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. Phoebe: Rachel Green? Someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup! Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup! Teleplay: Robert Carlock Story: Scott Silveri Directed by: Gary Halvorson Transcribed by: Eleonora, Pheeboh, Sebastiano & Vanessa [Scene: Central Perk] Monica: It's so weird, how did Joey end up kissing Charlie last night? Ok? I mean, I just met her and I'm fine with it... (Joey and Charlie enter. Ross: (slowly) Yeah. I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm writing the Foreword for a friend's book... Joey: Uh-oh. Can you imagine if they had kids and if the kids got her intelligence and Joey's raw sexual magnetism... Oh, those nerds will get laaaaaid! Chandler: Hello? I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting... I wish I knew if that was right! Joey: Geez, sounds like you should be going on this date! Rachel: Oh! 302 - The One Where No-One's Ready And that is the Swedish National Anthem! 223 - The One With The Chickenpox I'm asking you as a friend. Ross: And if you think about it, I mean the reason he memorized all that stuff is because he thought it was important to you. They're not above sticking their noses into one another's businesses and swapping romance. Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name... Ikea... Rachel: You know I... (lifts her head and tries to look in Phoebe's direction). So did you do it? [Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment] I mean, Joey is so different from the guys I usually date. Summer Theme Ideas I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral... 905 - The One With Phoebe's Birthday Dinner Football Is there a problem with me or with you? Joey: Ok, all right, so I'll take her to the MET. Plus he's hot! Combined! 120 - The One With The Evil Orthodontist Phoebe: (entering) Hey! A fertility monitor is an electronic device which may use various methods to assist the user with fertility awareness.A fertility monitor may analyze changes in hormone levels in urine, basal body temperature, electrical resistance of saliva and vaginal fluids, or a combination of these methods.These devices may assist in pregnancy achievement. Rachel: No, it's just that uhm... it feels so good... Ikea... (pause) Yeah, say hey, you'll know this, what's the capital of Sweden? Phoebe: (Thinks for a few moments) Uhm... Stockholm. Joey: Please, c'mon, you're the smartest person I know and I really like this girl, ok, I don't wanna lose her. Monet painted quickly and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself. Female fertility testing Ross: Why do you care so much? Ross: Wow. Ross: Oh, God. Joey: You got to tell me exactly what to do there. 609 - The One Where Ross Got High Ross: Hey, I thought I'd end up kissing Charlie too ok? Ross: But I'm not! Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. 303 - The One With The Jam Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the Byzantine Empire. Golf 604 - The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance https://friends.fandom.com/wiki/The_One_With_The_Fertility_Test/Transcript?oldid=42695. Ross: Ok. Let's see. Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here. 510 - The One With The Inappropriate Sister Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!! In this test, the uterus of the woman is first filled with saline water. This unique service allows you to visit one of our fertility clinics to get a clearer picture of your current fertility and what your potential future fertility may look like. Joey: Ah! 111 - The One With Mrs.Bing 1. [Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Ross in the living room, rehearsing what Joey will say to Charlie in the Museum] Chandler: Why are you here? But that doesn't change the fact that this is an evil blood sucking corporate machine! (Joey and Charlie enter. They gave you the kiddy size (looking at the cup in his hand). Joey: (sipping red wine from a glass) Who says that wine has to cost more than milk! Joey: Come on! (stands up and kisses Joey) (to Ross) Thanks Ross. Rachel: Oh! Phoebe: Hey you guys! Monica: With good news? Rachel receives a gift certificate for a free massage at a chain massage center. 712 - The One Where They're Up All Night Joey: Phonetically? I mean... 506 - The One With The Yeti No one here even knows you! All: Hi! Charlie: No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular! Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Phoebe: Ok, this is not about the MONEY, ok? 308 - The One With The Giant Poking Device Ross: Get to the problem! You know what I mean? Chandler: (seriously) It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us. Phoebe: Oh, Ja! There are a number of home fertility tests available on the market. Fine, I won't use it! Rachel: I promise. I wrote that out phonetically for you. Charlie: Oh, you know what? Chandler: Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out. Joey: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. (Puts her head in the hole and Phoebe enters) I love you. Charlie: Yeah, it's fun (hesitating). Chandler: Yeah! Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Rachel: Oh! Joey: No idea! Joey: Which one, they all suck! Charlie: (talking to Ross) I feel like I owe you an explanation. It's time I took my life back! Chandler: Yeah! Joey: No, look, you know Charlie, right? Receptionist: Ok well, I'll call you as soon as your massage therapist is ready. Joey: Although some of that stuff wasn't where you said it was gonna be, but... (confidently) I made it work. Receptionist: Well, I think this is a great place to work! She's cool, she's funny, her body is soo... Ross: Yeah, yeah that means... you know? 105 - The One With The East German Laundry Detergent I can memorize anything! So, I walk in the door and make the right (and he bends his arm to the left. 504 - The One Where Phoebe Hates PBS Janice: Ah ahahahhahaa! 118 - The One With All The Poker Phoebe: 'Cause it's good money! 414 - The One With Joey`s Dirty Day Monica: I'm sorry too. Thanks. Our Female fertility test is perfect for women that just want to check their fertility health and get some advice on optimising their chances of conceiving naturally. Ross: Oh, I don't know, they seem to have a shared interest in each other's tonsils... Janice: OH MY GOD!! I mean, they're all professors, and intellectuals, and paleontologists mostly, you know, very cerebral... Phoebe: 'Cause it's good money! Depending on the answers to the questions your GP asks, and the results of your physical exam, you and your partner may also be offered some basic fertility tests.For women, these may include: A cervical smear test, if you haven't had one recently (CKS 2013). 212 - The One After The Superbowl, Part 1 (Phoebe walks to the door and half-opens it) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I guess I was just so worried about having to... come here and do... 'that'... Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office? (Chandler jumps up) Here you are! Rachel: I don't care about any of that!! Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything! Monica: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? (Joey walks in) 211 - The One With The Lesbian Wedding Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. (laughs) Oh! Chandler: Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out. 709 - The One With All The Candy I am sure it's gonna be just fine. Monica: Oh... what does that mean? We just... we don't have time for this. Someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup! Ross: Nah ah! (pause) No, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank. Joey: I need to talk to you about Charlie. 215 - The One Where Ross And Rachel... You Know Phoebe: (coming back from the bathroom) What's up? Joey: (sipping red wine from a glass) Who says that wine has to cost more than milk! Rachel: (worried) Be-cause Ross is the father of my child! I don't think that Joey and Charlie have anything in common. (laughs) Oh! Joey: The Metsss! (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. Monica: With good news? Monica: (still weeping) I know. What does a semen analysis look for? Ja! Summary: Chandler and Monica have been unsuccessful in conceiving a child so go to a fertility clinic to get checked out. I am sure it's gonna be just fine. Joey: (to Charlie) You're ready? Thank you for asking! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain. Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! Charlie: Hi! Charlie: Oh, well, we can go see the Chronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall. I really love your... (startled as she realizes those are Phoebe's slippers) Ross: Ok now, remember, when you get to the museum, Monet is not spelt M-O-N-A-Y. Chandler: (smiling again) oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. In a doctor's office? (walks towards the common area and sees Janice is still there) Janice! Phoebe: Okay, then I'm Swedish... You are right. Just go back to the MET, ok? Chandler is sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper.]. (they kiss) What d'you wanna do tonight? Fertility test 2: the Fertell test. [Scene: SPA massage center, Rachel enters] Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!! Joey: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Joey: (to Charlie) You're ready? you... (reaches out to touch the imaginary painting again), [Scene: The Fertility Clinic; Chandler walks out one of the rooms]. We have very good data since 1962, … Rachel: Oh, OH! Chandler: I missed most of the party (pause) Charlie's a girl, right? I mean, why? Rachel: I don't care about any of that!! But so what is it? 1011 - The One Where The Stripper Cries That would be so fun! Thanks. Rachel: Alright-y then. Joey: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. Rachel: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage! Joey: (shaking his head as if to say: of course not!) Monica: (weeping) Oh my God! Phoebe: (pushes her head back down) Time for your scalp massage! Did you make your deposit? Rachel: I don't know why Joey had to kiss her! Please, don't use this gift certificate. Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. Fertility tests are the best way to know whether you’re infertile, and can help you find the cause. (very quickly and wringing hands) Of course it is not good news, you just said (deadpan) "Doctor Connelly just called". Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. 821 - The One With The Cooking Class Receptionist: Phoebe, your next client's in the waiting room. Rachel: Damn! Touch it, it's really bumpy! [Scene: Central Perk] Joey: No idea! Rachel: Good for you Pheebs! Ross: (perplexed for a moment) Wait a minute... when you guys walked into the Met, did you go to the right? Touch it, it's really bumpy! Charlie: You know, actually I'm a little surprised to myself. I really love your... (startled as she realizes those are Phoebe's slippers) She hates those corporate massage chains. Monica: Hey, we're probably fertile, let's go home! 417 - The One With The Free Porn The Mets suck, ok? I don't want her to think I'm stupid! Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! Plus he's hot! Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Phoebe: 'Cause it's good money! Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide... (point to himself). Racing Janice: Oh! Janice: Please... go! Monica: Yeah. 515 - The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey Joey: Yeah! 301 - The One With The Princess Leia Fantasy Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that's the antiquities wing. Joey: Yes. Monica: (entering) Hey honey! You know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion! Your first client is in room No. Joey: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. Ross: Yes, she is this new professor of my department that I did not kiss. Ross: Yeah, I know the type. 820 - The One With The Baby Shower Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office? Monica: Oh... what does that mean? Ross: (looking down) Are you wearing two belts? Chandler: Yeah, I guess! Chandler: Doctor Connelly just called. 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