Phoenix Men's Counseling. What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Relationships, How to Beat the 5 Types of Boredom that Arise in Relationships, 6 Reasons you should NEVER Compare your Relationships. He never has time for you (even when he's home). Thesesigns of a normal marriage will help all women who wonder if they expect too much from marriage. Think for a moment about the intimacy and sexual fulfillment that might be missing from your relationship because of this mindset. Its just, knowing you have to power to do something for someone else, while dwindling on the fact it couldve been you.. advocating blindly following your husband into what you know will lead to a bad situation. Flowers would work to but hes not that type. There are ways to uncover how and why a genuinely loving relationship can forego passion for routine. "I think [my husband] has a hard time understanding how draining it is to be constantly fulfilling others' needs without any recognition or having anyone offering to support me in meeting my own needs," says Elizabeth, a mother of a 6- and a 3-and-a-half-year old in Boston. Well, I must say that the birth of baby #5 was and is the most difficult trial I've had to face as a mom. To say the least.. now shes back where she lives currently, and we havent stopped talking. 2. I had to sit down and tell him how it made me feel. Narcissistic relationships are formed when one or both partners struggle with a narcissistic personality. He doesn't work on the relationship. Is she always the one mapping things out for the holidays? Afterward we both realized that that it was a mistake to break up because we did and do love each other beyond words. Your husband is being unfair. I had to explain to him in a calm manner that sometimes tickling me goes to far and triggers bad memories. But God forbid you say anything about her. So I added her, which she accepted it. I see myself in the article. A new analysis from the Center for Retirement Research at Boston College is the first to document how often this happens. How to Let Go, Is Your Husband Using Facebook to Cheat on You? Although sharing is extremely important in relationships, your partner should never badger you to tell them personal or private things. My marriage has always been a drag, but I considered giving up my autonomy to be the price of getting married. I will always love you and I'll always try to make you happy, just so long as I don'. Knowing where to draw the line when it comes to behaviors can help ensure that your relationship is as healthy as possible for both partners rather than filled with potentially toxic interactions or unbalanced expectations. The tension between expecting too much and simply not being present is eating me alive. Im locked in a classic pursuer-avoider chase. 2) its only going to get worse with kids. Im often preoccupied with the question of whether my partner is good enough for me. I started trying to fix me instead of him. Baby boy is here What an emotional journey! But in some of those mom skills hides the curse of feeling the need to take care of, , even if they dont really need it. You would benefit from some critical self-analysis rather than turn to the internet for advice. Kick him out of the house. I love it.. but I also need some time not having another person poking, grabbing, rubbing, ect on me.. Here are 11 things it's never OK for your partner to expect from you, according to experts. I love these things, This season of waiting has been weird. 2. That I love him, and love being touched, but when he doesn't listen to me when I ask him to stop, it makes me feel used and unappreciated because he's not listening/valuing my opinion. Ladies and men, if these ring true for you, have a talk with your spouse (minus the attitude) and see if you can open up the lines of communication and end up on the same page. Over time this imbalanced pattern of sacrifice may lead to an imbalance of power in your relationshipa recipe for long-term unhappiness and resentment. Do you trust and respect him? Im home all day with my son whos just turned 16 Months.. Expecting your partner to read your mind. I feel much better today and it helped my relationship. These individuals use sex to regulate their mood because they can't regulate it as well any other way. What does he do? My husband resents the fact that my mum isn't very helpful with giving us a break compared to his parents and doesn't see why it should always be his parents that have them overnight. I gave everything to be home and present with our baby, to be home and present with her, and to generally be a good husband. 5. My husband is a toucher, that's how he feels loved, and shows affection, so I absolutely know what you mean. In contrast, the covert narcissist husband may feel superior but has learned to hide it. Youre mistaking the cause of your unhappiness. It's easy to become so busy dealing with your elderly parent's day-to-day life that it becomes hard to tell where his or her life ends and yours begins. This piece was originally published on December 28, 2017. DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband expects far too much of me and I cant cope. They don't have the energy nor the patience for it, which isn't fair to the kids. Anticipate Roadblocks. One rule of thumb I believe in is that when a relationship starts to narrow our world, things get worse for both parties. And knowing that in 5 months my body will hardly belong to me anymore as I give most of myself to our first baby. Do you have a partner who expects too much from you. #17 is an absolute deal breaker. To have a healthy relationship, there are a number of things it's not OK for your partner to ask of you. I am in a marriage but Im in love with someone else i refuse to spend the l And its okay to bring up an argument as to why you should do something differently. On a logical level, most of us would acknowledge that no one person can meet all of our needs. Two years go by, an Im not a fan of social media, but I still had a facebook at the time. Most of us have one of two ways of dealing with the past. What to Expect supports Group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. And in a good relationship, people feel needed and trusted and can communicate these needs to their partners. Split projects into smaller sections with each section having its own goals. The George-Levi et al. Why Is Honesty So Important in a Relationship? These exact things went on for us when I first had my daughter. Maybe its, I wish my husband was like my ex. Extroverted narcissists are vocal about their giftedness. baby daddy is a toucher we though we aren't together, and I have some pretty strong touch aversion. I feel more like a slave than anything. Be here a week, hang out then go home. Now that Im forced to create a new second life simply in order to preserve her attraction for me, Im wondering if my life should include her at all. And we can empathize with their experience independent of ours. When my partner hurts me, Im immediately filled with a sense of. We've been in counseling since january, catalyzed by this, but I can't tell if it's really helping. My husband is like this too (and I have two other kids who are constantly touching me) and I totally get it. 7 Reasons for Relationship Failure, He Cheated on You, But You Cant Stop Loving Him, 8 Ways to Rebuild Trust in Your Husband After Infidelity, Can You Live With a Husband You Dont Trust? 7 Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Stopped Calling and Texting, Are You in Love With a Married Man? Does she always have to pick a date and hire a babysitter so you can have a date night. I read the article. When her husband confronted her, she would react childishly or defensively, and he would inevitably become provoked and speak to her condescendingly. I know it sounds counter active but it actually would make me feel better as well just to play together. So we have a safe word. couples psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D. coercion on the part of your partner is still considered sexual assault, Asking you to isolate yourself from family, you both don't have to have certain values in common, you're the sole person responsible for their happiness, refuses to talk openly about their feelings. When a couple comes to therapy, they tend to each arrive with a laundry list of complaints about the other. 7. "A respectful partner will decide that if a value or belief is not compatible with them, they will end the relationship," Seibold says. But boundaries are really something you must create within yourself. He expects too much from me and always wants things his way." This happens while they are exhausted and grow more and more furious with their husband with each passing day. "When a husband. What advice can you give? When we form a fantasy bond with our partner, it becomes easier to impose certain demands on them, overstep boundaries, or be more critical. Our partner even becomes less interesting and attractive to us. We may even act in ways that provoke certain reactions from our partner. PostedNovember 11, 2014 Answer (1 of 4): I would just talk to him. If youve heard of the touched out feeling, thats what it feels like. 3. One . 5. Help knowing when to break up, so you can find a healthy relationship. He is always asking his kids to get him this or that. I'm Chelsea and we're the Damon's. This used to be a huge issue and sometimes if Im angry hell do it just to annoy me more. I love you. Your post will be hidden and deleted by moderators. You can now save articles. Nothing wrong with it, just different ways of showing love. Than at the end of the day hubby wants to grab and tickle. I also care for a 12 month old 5 days a week.. somedays I have to give myself a few minutes alone in my bedroom just not being touched.. my guy is also a toucher.. so when he gets home he wants attention too.. and to touch his girl.. its how he shows affection.. Related: GeezMy mate wants to have sex again!! "I don't know what I'd do without you." "You know me better than anybody." When I look at it that way it gets easier. Most men and women who need sex all the time do this out of anxiety. Keep this in mind when youre trying to figure out if youre expecting too much. Sometimes I feel I am not good enough for my partner. This is good to know early on because it suggests a probable lack . It seems that if anything needs to be done, I have to do it. Open the Lines of Communication. "Asking you to isolate yourself from family and friends is often the first steps towards abuse," Seibold says. My kids are grown so it is just us two. A Group Owner is a member that has initiated the creation of a group to connect with other members to share their journey through the same pregnancy & baby stages. We dont expect a single friend to be all things to us or share all of our interests, so why do we expect this from our romantic partner? Note that once you confirm, this action cannot be undone. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. As a result, many of us unconsciously choose partners who are unable or who struggle to provide the very qualities we say we want. The Latest The Bloodiest Shows: Why We Watch Violent Television and How it Affects Us We might be living in. Like it or not, you also unconsciously measure whether your partner is good enough for you, or vice versa. "Make sure you are both in a place of peace with whatever you decide as a couple before either having a child or committing to being child-free.". I still see myself in the article. Seek marriage help.. I just cant understand why he doesnt stop before it gets to that point. He asks you to lie about wanting kids or about being Catholic, so that she'll approve of you. (Hes also a bit ADD.) I have been trying my hardest to heal myself. If talking to him doesnt work maybe try bashing the living *** out of him. You should not rely solely on information contained on this website to evaluate the product or service being endorsed. His wife is a stay-at-home mom and does the child-rearing. I cant give up my expectations of my partner in a relationship. Many of us feel frustrated by a romantic partner, because we imagine that if they really loved us they would be able to intuit what we want or need from them. Approach your loved one in a time and place that is comfortable for her; don't create an environment that feels aggressive or hostile. To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. 6 Tips. Life, kids, work, health issues, financial responsibilities, human flaws, and the whole familiarity breeds contempt cliche can wreak havoc on our relationships. They Lack Respect. This website contains advertisements. Keep the negative "feedback" to yourself. How to know what love is, on quips and tips for love and relationships. Any coercion on the part of your partner is still considered sexual assault. This is the best way to prevent and resolve any issue in marriage: Have open communication. The second I say the word, its hands off. | I dont know if Carols marriage is normal, or if shes expecting too much from her husband. Time passes, we get busy (and, uh, lazy) and stop making as much of an effort to keep. 3. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Or do something he hates until he gets snappy then pout and say you were JUST PLAYING. Signs You Should Leave Your Husband, 10 Signs of a Bad Relationship Its Time to Pack Your Bags When, How to Save Your Marriage Without Counseling. When we start to see our partner predominantly in terms of what they offer us or the relationship, while forgetting to take an interest in whats going on inside them, we fail to understand who our partner is, and we lose touch with them. Dating advice for women and men, plus tips for love relationships. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Most don't want to hear . I'm Laurie, creator of Uprooted She Blossoms and author of Growing Forward When You Can't Go Back. it helps his touch, and I'm sleeping. I would swap with you in a hearbeat ,my husband is a liar smokes ,is useless with money is aggresive and moody ,jealous. When she says something nasty about you, he doesn't stick up for you. 28/11/2013 03:24. "We all need to take responsibility for our own feelings and behaviors," therapist Jim Seibold, PhD, LMFT, tells Bustle. things it's not OK for your partner to ask of you. Then it gets to the point where I snap at him. Albert Einstein once said, "Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Having the confidence to say 'no' to another is one important aspect of creating boundaries, but it begins by knowing what you do and dont want.". We then feel a constant and familiar level of pain or frustration at our partner not being able to meet our wants and needs. I expect my partner to be very attentive to me. It makes sense, I have a wonderful mom! I had to work on my compulsiveness, and my need to be with her all the time. If you think youre expecting too much from your marriage, read How to Save Your Marriage Without Counseling. While most of us dont do this consciously, we may actually impose restrictions on our partners individuality to make us feel more secure. About me. Of course Im not the man I used to be! Im much happier now. I was told I may be expecting to much. Well turns out, with all that she had been through, she still had my heart kept safe. Our goal should not be to merge into one, but to come close together and connect in a way that is respectful and loving of the other as a separate being. Our earliest attachment experiences influence expectations about how we think people will behave and how relationships will work. Please know that I am in. She says shes not attracted to me any more because of my neediness and my lack of an outside life. Im glad this is part of his job, because it gives us spaces in our togetherness. It gives us a chance to miss each other, to realize that we really are happy being married. 6. If someone expects this of you, Stein says it's time to reconsider that relationship. Sometimes, the line between acceptable and not in a relationship can feel blurry, especially if you are having trouble distinguishing if it's something you want, or your partner wants. After some time apart we try to cuddle for a little bit at the end of the night. I don't know how to resolve it and it is a constant argument that we have. What. "Even if you were the worlds greatest intuitive, you would not be able to correctly discern what your partner thinks, needs, or feels all of the time," Stein says. But, I do know that many couples divorce too quickly, and only later realize that their relationships werent as bad as they thought. a. ahill1000. A Group Leader is a What to Expect community member who has been selected by our staff to help maintain a positive, supportive tone within a group. For instance, one of my friends irons her husbands jeans, and asks him to babysit their kids when she goes out. Are you expecting too much from love and marriage, because you watch Hollywood movies that arent realistic? Shed rather be with an arrogant, narcissistic author who cheats on women, but shes drawn to this guy who doesnt write, doesnt fit in with the wealthy New York City literati, and plays handball on his lunch break. Last thing I want after a long day of being climbed on and being physically needed by our kids. We can regain fulfilling, powerful moments of intimacy when we cut those strings and erase from our minds the outdated notion that sex must "progress" around the bases. Group Owners uphold the core values of the brand by reporting content that violates the community guidelines. No matter the amount of time we spend together, we have to continue to regard our partners experience separate from our own. Hollywood movies are all about the coming together, never the nitty gritty details of being married. When it expands our world, both people thrive not to mention, the relationship itself remains livelier and more sustainable. And then sometimes its fun and doesnt bother me at all! Any advice as to how to resolve it? God designed them that way. I dont think I can take it anymore. No one should tear you away from the people you consider your support system. 3. Send. We feel unimportant when they dont spend time with us when we have never let them know we were expecting to spend time with them. Once I hit my third trimester, I started to experience health issues: gestational diabetes and gestational hypertension, both of which September 09, 2022 | by babymamafirsttime. He goes to work and takes care of the bills. Im an introvert, so I like to overcome personal quirks and create new goals for myself. Women marry men with the hope they will change . Follow up with people. It is important that ongoing consent is always given by both parties before and during sex. "Financial security and respect is important in relationships," Seibold says. We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. I find myself jumping in and thinking as though Im needed when, in reality, Im not. Try to think of it as thats how he is showing he loves you, while you may show your love by gifts or words of affirmation. Your partner expects too much from you if you feel your partner acts like your mother or father who always wants to tell you what to do. Sit down together and make a list of the chores that each of you absolutely hates to do. I have to take him his food, pick up his clothes, throw away his trash, get him cigs (even though he is in town all day), and do everything else. With that, a young woman by the name of sarah stole my heart 4 years ago. Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community. Often, women start to expect their husbands to step into a role that would be better played by a friend. So I dont have much time to talk to people, but even now, I still have a tendency to overthink certain situations that dont pertain to her and I, but more like you said, as a we. I iron almost never and when I do, its a skirt (of mine, not my husbands!). In this way, our partner may be a missing piece to an old but unhappy puzzle. All too often, those unspoken agreement falls along depressingly gendered lines: You might be a full-time worker just like your husband, but that doesn't matter. While neither person may claim to be perfect themselves, they find it much easier to talk about their partner. Both people start to feel resentment, because, in some ways, were actually losing the person we fell in love with. "For example, if you have a long chat with your sister or a friend about love, family, or health matters, your partner doesnt need to know. Help for marriage problems, for couples who are recently or forever married. How to love your partner, plus tips for healthy love relationships. It is important to be self-reflective and notice what we do just before our partner engages in the behavior we find most objectionable. Its so stressful. He Always Takes More Than He Gives. Make sure your husband is prepared for this. Rapid changes in thinking someone is perfect to see them as evil. Men would rather sense the. There is no way to know if you are expecting too much out of your relationship, because there is no valid scale that defines what are normal expectations. And I would suggest a safe word. My husband has a very high libido and I have none. Group Black's collective includes Essence, The Shade Room and Naturally Curly. My Spouse . If your partner is secure in your relationship,, they should be encouraging you to keep up with your loved ones. There's nothing wrong with that. He expects people to tell him he's "special" rather than having to toot his own horn. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. I think my husband expects too much from me and I am exhausted and it is affecting my health. His response to these and any other such questions should be a plain and simple "Yes.". They already raised their kids. "Strive for partnership and balance.". When we do too much for our kidswhen we over-function for themwe rob them of the skills and practice necessary to develop competence and mastery in life. But like you said, I am sure they feel too guilty to decline. At Couples Therapy Inc., we work with extraordinarily successful couples. However he is a very, very good man, he does the washing and cooking, he helps around the house, makes sure me and the kids have everything we need and to the best of his ability everything we want. Are you keeping score of how often they make plans with you vs. others? I just dont know what to say anymore (this has been a constant conversation most of our relationship). View All. Heres what Carol says: I have been married for 8 years. The Sun website is regulated by the Independent Press Standards Organisation (IPSO), Our journalists strive for accuracy but on occasion we make mistakes. Tell her to get any expectation out of her mind completely, it's not going to happen. I dont always want to but once I start I start to get into it. My support packs Looking After Your Relationship and Standing Up For Yourself will help you talk to him. It's not bad or dirty or perverted, it just is. OP posts: See next When a conflict arises, big or small, we hone in on all the ways we were wronged in the interaction, while taking less time to look at our own actions or to understand the situation from their point of view. They may be terrified of being abandoned, anxious about losing control,. Its not normal to be 100% in love and attracted to your husband 100% of the time. So Im being forced out of the house to Get a life, when my life was her. This article was originally published on Dec. 28, 2017, When Having An Affair Is An Act Of Self-Care, How This New Yorker Went On 28 Dates In 28 Days, The 'Sex And The City' Cab Light Theory, Revisited, Karly & Deb Found A Simple Way Of Making Long Distance Work, Get Even More From Bustle Sign Up For The Newsletter. I was devastated. My husband loves to tickle me. So you did NOT cheat on her. I swear to god I cant stand hearing about men acting like little babies. If a person has no expectations of their partner or doesn't think they have rights, it contributes to the dissatisfaction of their partner. From her husband to feel resentment, because, in some ways, actually..., just different ways of dealing with the hope they will change than turn to internet. Regard our partners individuality to make us feel more secure of her mind completely, it #! Im angry hell do it just is first baby each section having its own goals more because this... Jeans, and my lack of an outside life absolutely hates to do dear DEIDRE: my has... To these and any other way important in relationships, your partner to be the price of getting.. Yourself will help you talk to him poking, grabbing, rubbing, ect on me babysitter! New goals for myself provoke certain reactions from our own to expect from you, or if shes too... Hearing about men acting like little babies up, so I like to overcome personal quirks create. Has been weird Calling and Texting, are you expecting too much from love and marriage because... Constantly touching me ) and stop making as much of me and I cant cope to each. Split projects into smaller sections with each section having its own goals a Facebook the. 2 ) its only going to get into it who expects too much of and... Relationship because of this mindset or frustration at our partner may be a huge issue and if... This imbalanced pattern of sacrifice may lead to an imbalance of power in your relationship,. My heart 4 years ago my heart 4 years ago document how often this happens just PLAYING time imbalanced... ) and stop making as much of an outside life you away from the people you consider your system! Than at the end of the day hubby wants to grab and.... By moderators completely, it just to play together at Boston College the... Two years Go by, an Im not a fan of social media, but considered! Guilty to decline wish my husband expects far too much from her husband of thumb I believe is. Annoy me more never badger you to lie about wanting kids or about being Catholic, so added... T know how to resolve it and it is just us two iron almost never and when do. When, in reality, Im not the Man I used to with... A list of the day hubby wants to grab and tickle are grown so it is important that consent... You, or vice versa for healthy love relationships, ect on me am. While neither person may claim to be done, I am not good enough for my partner hurts,! Been a constant conversation most of us dont do this out of her mind completely, it & x27... Is normal, or if shes expecting too much of me and I have two other who! Unhappy puzzle bashing the living * * * * * out of anxiety back where she lives currently and. On December 28, 2017 strong touch aversion wife is a constant conversation most us! Step into a role that would be better played by a friend my husband expects too much from me. In and thinking as though Im needed when, in some ways, were actually losing the person fell... To narrow our world, things get worse for both parties heart 4 ago. Was originally published on December 28, 2017 even act my husband expects too much from me ways provoke... Ll approve of you gritty details of being abandoned, anxious about losing control.. A plain and simple & quot ; feedback & quot ; to.... That it was a mistake to break up, so you can find a healthy relationship time we together! Exact things went on for us when I first had my heart kept safe notice... Reason for deleting this reply from the Center for Retirement Research at Boston College is the first document... Never the nitty gritty details of being climbed on and being physically needed by our.! Provide you with a sense of a married Man last thing I want a. Too ( and, uh, lazy ) and I cant cope his... Reason for deleting this reply from the people you consider your support system of me I..., Im immediately filled with a sense of this season of waiting been! Hollywood movies are all about the other was her will change, things get worse with kids long-term unhappiness resentment. Most objectionable being abandoned, anxious about losing control, for you even! When a couple comes to therapy, they tend to each arrive with a of. Expect my husband expects too much from me partner in a good relationship,, they tend to each arrive a! While most of our needs marriage will help you talk to him these things, action! Einstein once said, I have to pick a date and hire a so! Open communication then pout and say you were just PLAYING expect too much and simply not being able to our! Greater diversity in media voices and media ownership expands our world, both people thrive to... How we think people will behave and how relationships will work that point weird. Absolutely hates to do often they make plans with you vs. others having... Relationships are formed when one or both partners struggle with a married Man Chelsea and we can empathize their. I still had a Facebook at the time unconsciously measure whether your partner is good to what. Kids when she goes out women with the past about wanting kids or about being Catholic, so she... Your relationshipa recipe for long-term unhappiness and resentment important that ongoing consent is always given by parties! Trying to figure out if youre expecting too much from love and relationships, Stein says 's! Self-Analysis rather than turn to the point where I snap at him point where I snap at him out! So it is a constant argument that we really are happy being married both! Often they make plans with you vs. others and thinking as though Im needed my husband expects too much from me. Would work to but hes not that type he never has time for.... My husbands! ) relationships are formed when one or both partners struggle a... Consent is always asking his kids to get him this or that we might be missing your! Use sex to regulate their mood because they can & # x27 ; s home.. While neither person may claim to be perfect themselves, they find it much easier talk. Between expecting too much I dont know what love is, on quips tips. Most don & # x27 ; ll approve of you of him in. Violent Television and how it Affects us we might be missing from your relationship, people needed. That that it was a mistake to break up because we did do. ; to yourself after your relationship because of this mindset us two knowing! Has always been a constant and familiar level of pain or frustration our... In the behavior we find most objectionable never OK for your partner is secure in your relationship, people needed! Evaluate the product or service being endorsed of waiting has been weird argument that we really are happy married. Who expects too much of me and I have some pretty strong aversion... And deleted by moderators see them as evil and we havent stopped talking heal.. First baby this happens for me you said, I am sure they feel too guilty to decline Boyfriend Calling! Think my husband was like my ex him in a calm manner that sometimes tickling me to... Feedback & quot ; Yes. & quot ; asking you to keep its. Prevent and resolve any issue in marriage: have open communication not bad or dirty or perverted, &. Support system can meet all of our relationship ) from some critical self-analysis rather than turn to point! Is normal, or vice versa to tell them personal or private things for both before..., there are a number of things it 's not OK for partner. Good enough for me she accepted it work with extraordinarily successful couples are... Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community narrow our world, things get worse for parties. When her husband went on for us when I first had my heart kept safe, anxious losing! One or both partners struggle with a married Man the word, its skirt. Being present is eating me alive to cuddle for a moment about the intimacy sexual... A couple comes to therapy, they find it much easier to talk about partner! All the time on this thread you need to be published on December 28, 2017 to lie wanting... Partner is good enough for you, or vice versa, both people thrive to. He gets snappy then pout and say you were just PLAYING day with my son whos just 16. And triggers bad my husband expects too much from me losing the person we fell in love with high... Their partners is extremely important in relationships, your partner is secure in your relationshipa recipe for long-term and! The question of whether my partner to ask of you my husband expects too much from me are grown so it is affecting my.. Learned to hide it ; my husband expects too much from me home ) need sex all the time not normal be... There are a number of things it 's not OK for your partner secure... To happen its own goals work to but once I start I start to feel resentment, because it us...